Testicular pain in the left hemisphere?

My left testicle hurts, it's swollen and large and I'm a little scared. Nothing hit it or touched it, I can't imagine anything I've done recently like sitting on it funny or excitement getting hit. It's really big like a peach (my other one is half the size) and it's squishy to the touch. I don't think it's cancer or a torsion because I'd know trust me. The hair is falling out and a large vein is crawling towards it. Should I ice it? I think I'm gonna go put ice on it. It glows in the dark and sometimes flashes and vibrates like an incoming call on a cell phone. If you have an iPhone you'd know the ringtone "marimba" well it wakes me up each morning to that-my testicle, not the phone.